Peel. Having spent 10 hours in the office, I think now that the cops say when checking documents ' Soldier of Allah does not need a passport! ' .
Light woke up this morning to notice - after all, you can also celebrate the New Year is normal, not a bad headache, a hangover is not shaken, and the rest for nearly a week! .
The film company 'Warner Brosers' has the exclusive right to use the phrase: 'you piece of shit! ' . In this regard, the United States immediately suspended all filming comedies.
At vernandskogo a turn for the advertising of a university depends rotisserie, which threatens us with XXX every time we drive past it. the fact that its slogan reads:.
everything you wanted to put on the grill, but were afraid to.
From the life of.
Every Friday my friend and I go to a bar to hit the beer.
At this time, ordered two light beers. A young girl ( waitress ) told us that there is only darkness. What are we to her:.
Bring two dark and bleach!.
She is gone, and we sit and laugh at our jokes.
She soon returned ( further - dumb ) and brings the two dark beer and a bottle of vodka.
Naotbelivalis us this evening to pig squeal.
From the older brother went through inheritance Skates. Different sizes, colors, and forms the ridge. However, they have one thing in common - they are both on one leg.
I love Russia.
Yesterday evening, I go myself, not bothering anyone.
Then kick back, falling face down, lying down, run over two OMON, turn me, and saying, ' No, he did not ' get in the car and go.
From the news: ...
Pervyynah aircraft data logger.
- And you, Joseph Solomonovich, accident was not a Jew?.
- Thank God Pomeranchuk not! .
- I also - Chinese....
The blonde on reception at the therapist.
- Doctor, I can not understand - I love my husband.
- Why did you doubt?.
- Because during sex, I do not always think about it.
- And for whom?.
- To whom do sex.
At the sumo world championship has gathered more than 80 tons of athletes!.
One head is good, and a few heads - a herd of.
In the shop:.
- I hear you!.
- I would have stricter dress!.
- That's wonderful! .
face!.
Remember, before talking about the guys ' strength is - do not mind '? .
view thousands of profiles of girls on dating sites, I can not now.
conclude: ' Tits is - do not mind '.
Just phoned a friend and asked what you do, it he says, I'm taking the Light in a hostel, the third round already wrapped around the ring, she was asleep, and I 'm waiting until her hostel will be closed, she said, if you do not have time, go with me.
There is a football match. Commentator accustomed very quickly said:.
- Hit the ball with Ivanov, the passage of levomou edge, pass into the penalty area, shot on goal, boom!.
The door to the commentator booth opens with the noise, ran out of breath coach:.
- Can we slow down? .
- Do you have vodka?.
- And you are 18?.
- Do you have a license?.
- Okay, okay, what we wound up -.
at once.
Son of the new Russian talks to his father:.
- You're often abroad, Daddy?.
- Yes, my son.
- Then give me a river in Germany.
- What do you want me to call her?.
The patient withdrew from anesthesia:.
- Doctor, I have something to their feet can not find?.
- And we're your hands amputated.
- Are you free?.
- Married with two children!.
- I - in the sense you can not go to the accounting department, printer paper zazheval.
Photo- shop, my mother came to take pictures of the child. Photographer - with defects of speech, my mother - a little slow after a tumultuous weekend.
photographer:.
- Poposite ebenka nemnofko uebnutsya.
Mom, slightly depends on:.
- What?.
- Poposite ebenka uebnutsya.
- Where uebnutsya?.
- Blah. Uybku do it! .
- Why are you so sad?.
- I went yesterday in the subway, I saw - sitting kick-ass girl. Young, feet from the ears, the beautiful. I winked at her and.
- And she?.
- She got up and gave me a place.
Little Johnny:.
- How to write, Maryvanna ' ananizm ' or ' ononizm '.
The teacher:.
- Vova, how do you know these words?.
- A Th there to know that? .
- And you, too!.
- I - no -ee. I have a 1 -B is a woman.
The lesson of sex education in the parochial school. My father (B ) described.
about everything and asks questions. Little Johnny pulls his hand (B).
B: Ask away, the young man, Vladimir.
Q: Tell me sir, but looks like a female sexual organ ( ZHPO ) to sexual.
act.
B: He is like a rosebud. More questions.
Q: What is ZHPO during sexual intercourse.
B: He is like a full-blown rose. More questions ect.
Q: What is ZHPO after intercourse.
B ( after long deliberation ): Tell me, Little Johnny, and you ever seen a face.
Bulldog overgorged semolina.
- It's an outrage! .
- Hey, now that you can advise of the cocktails?.
Today, our cocktail of the day - ' A maximum of three '!.
- How's that?.
Well, see. take a glass of wine. second. maximum of three, and pour into a saucepan. Then take a glass of beer. second. maximum of three, and pour to the same. Then take a shot of vodka. second. maximum of three, pour into a saucepan. And finally, take a glass of brandy, and the second. maximum of the third, pour all the little heats. Then drink a glass of cocktail or two, well, a maximum of three. Then get up and take a step or two, well, a maximum of three.
The results of the Census in Moscow:.
- 10% - Who's there?.
- 10% - I'll give you the census, are now calling the police!.
- 80% - E! .
Today in our circus acts as a yogi. It will take place over hot coals. However, yelling to be - the trainee has.
One boy really wanted to grow up - and then my mother decided to feed him.
- We do not sell cigarettes to persons under 18 years of age. It's the law. Take the way the girl. This is a gift.
- And where are you serving?.
- The submarine.
- On a submarine?.
- Yes.
- And you that were not allowed inside?.
By the way, if leave for 5 minutes before the end of the day, the crowd at a fraction of a meter.
what our boss is usually replies that if the leave in a couple of hours, the crowd is even less.
Putin visited the apartment of pensioners, to see how older people live.
- How are you?.
- Well, hard to survive, then, Comrade Putin.
- What to eat what you eat?.
- But try - and retired president of something poured into a mug.
He tries to:.
- Well, unusually, I should say, but quite edible. What is it?.
- Cream with poppy seeds, Comrade President.
- How interesting, as they say, our seniors are living bad! . Although there is little cream - like. And how do you prepare them?.
- Well, how? .
xxx: and still infuriates me when I'm waiting for these zloschastnye 45 minutes, and all operators are busy with some important business on their terminal. I want to say to these operators:.
- Expensive solitaire champions! .
- Bring me some vodka decanter and anything to your taste.
- So we can write: two decanter of vodka.
1: What would you have understood! . and most importantly - convenient.
2: by a dick, too, can be tested mousetrap. you do not confuse stupidity with undocumented features!.
- Alex, I just called them a freak!.
- Damn, too late!.
Wicked Queen in the evening before drinking:.
- Mirror, mirror, tell me, but the truth Announce.
In the morning with a hangover:.
- Tell me, my mirror, though I'm a schmuck?.
The case of the resort.
- Girl! .
- It's not buoys, nerd! .
A little girl asked her mother:.
- Mom, where kids come from?.
- Oh, dear, it's a long story, I 'll tell you later on.
- Well, my mother, well at least the beginning.
D'Artagnan hugs and kisses Milady. Suddenly, her dress slipping off the shoulders. D'Artagnan sees a lily on the left shoulder and rebounds with the cry:.
- My lady, yes you fucking * b?.
- You goof, D'Artagnan - it's Adidas!.
New Russian comes home and pulls out a gun from his briefcase, and a dead mouse.
puts them on display, includes the computer off after a second, takes.
cell, dials a number and says:.
- Hey, Vasilich, I put on a computer hard drive and mouse.
and he was a damn does not work!.
- Well, it means that you have or do not have enough memory or bad mother.
- You're human, man.
Why in the Moscow night clubs every hour put the song Boris Moiseyev?.
- Protection against vampires: a rooster I hear the song, vampires are killed.
- Yesterday met with a guy. He is!. Just does not fit in my head!.
- Do not take you in the head! .
- I hope you without a second thought.
Ad:.
' You want to have pristizhnuyu, light work? With excellent employees?.
Want to get $ 10,000 a week? Then go fuck you, we need cleaners and mechanics! ...
His father scolded his son for two:.
- Little Johnny, well, I do not understand who you are so stupid - well, just like. - And rapped his knuckles on the table. Little Johnny jerking:.
- Dad, knock!.
- Sit down, I'll reveal.
wife:.
- You do not love me! .
husband:.
- Do not vows, and so I'll believe it!.
- What the scout was fired Sidorov?.
- Yes, for what, getting to the Pentagon's central computer and saw on the monitor of top secret information that he stole only the monitor.
- Private Ivanov, why did you go to the dining room with a gun?.
- I will not again be left without compote!.
In the recruiting office:.
- Young man, you want to give back to his homeland?.
- Yes, I want to. How much do I owe?.
Sanitary Inspection of the Army:.
- What measures do you take to disinfect water?.
- Boil.
- What else?.
- After that, filter the.
- And then?.
- And then not to take risks, we drink beer.
Two blondes:.
- Olga, tell me, but when I copy text with the mouse, where it is stored?.
- Where? .
Conversation between two eternally hungry students:.
- Listen, Vasya, perhaps, come a pig wound up, feeding him, and stab the New Year, huh?.
- No, you think about it: a stench, dirt.
- Nothing, Vasya, get used to!.
She lived a poor girl Doshirak. And she was so poor that anyone could have it.
diluted in 5 minutes.
- Aunt Tanya, and Little Johnny will come out?.
- Yes, half an hour later, he now takes away toys.
- Half an hour later, we will have no.
Blonde friend:.
- He does not like me, it beats all the time!.
- A husband?.
- CURRENT!.
- Darling, you could change me with another woman?.
- To persuade!.
- Sergey, you yourself, then where?.
- From Syktyvkar.
- Is it true? . Where are you from?.
- From Syktyvkar.
- How? .
- And, in my opinion, no wonder we have here in Syktyvkar, Syktyvkar, all of.
Blonde 18 years old.
- I am now an adult! .
So! .
My mother asks her son:.
- What will you do while I go shopping?.
- I would play with a nanny or a railway, - the son is responsible. - Depends on what his father chooses.
The young artist suddenly kissed of models. Pretending that the abused, she says:.
- You kiss all his nudes?.
- No, you first.
- And how you were there?.
- Four: herring, onion, a plate and you.
Sarah says to her husband:.
- Abram, today I read in the newspaper that the West badly decaying. They've got a crisis, inflation, unemployment, AIDS, prostitutes.
- Oh! .
- What is ' about'?.
- Nothing. I remembered where forgotten his galoshes yesterday.
Two blondes crossword puzzles:.
- Listen, the word of three letters: a long, hard, on the ' D' ends?.
- McDermott.
- Exactly, ' s'! .
- In our country a lot of senseless things!.
For example, vodka ads.
In the case of the arrival of guests at Skoptsova always been hidden away a bottle of good wine. Together, the guests were trying to find a bottle, but never found.
Toys for grown-ups come up with a. After all, if you think about it, this device invented by moms and dads, the children did not prevent them from playing their games.
Postgraduate Institute of Physics and professor of physical education did not find common topics for conversation and silence so fucked.
A student in the exam in Physics. An old professor pokes his finger into the formula and says:.
- What is it?.
- Seems the letter C.
- And what does it mean?.
- Seems the speed of light.
- What's On? . All right, go three.
- Helen, in our office is not accepted to work in the mantle for the hair.
- But that does not mesh for the hair!.
- Then wear a longer skirt.
xxx: Everything! .
yyy: And how successful?.
xxx: Yesterday threw everything holey socks. Tomorrow I will go to the store for new.
yyy: Aaa. Good for you! .
xxx: Bl $ Th!.
It is necessary to protect water.
Beef has been wildly, the bird is sick now, but the fish is still in no way guilty.
Sit two chela - drink, snack, talk. And then one of them says:.
- You know, Bob, the ideal wife should be blind deaf and dumb.
Bob thought for a long time does not:.
- Not -a. ape is.
The former lead singer of ' Aria' started manufacturing electric kettles branded ' boil '. The peculiarity of these teapots that pour out of him when the last drops of water, he begins to sing a song ' I'm free '.
Calls once a Putin Medvedev:.
- Listen, Dim Sum, we've got elections soon. Could you, here in Moscow, a little fight corruption? .
Medvedev thought and thought and said:.
- Well, okay, if - just a little. Only let us agree at once with the setback.
- You have a housekeeper?.
- No, it comes only to get out.
Logitech reputable company! .
thanks in advance.
Signature: Julia Zuev.
New Russian Restaurant. waiter:.
- Roast suckling pig are you?.
- Come on!.
- With the mustard?.
- You can.
- On the sauce?.
- Of course.
- With the horseradish?.
- No, horseradish cut!.
No comments:
Post a Comment